I recently downloaded the song “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield, which was a pretty popular Top 40 tune back in the mid-2000’s. It was all over the radio during what was pretty much my second year of homelessness. It is not a time I choose to talk about much with people, but it was a very pivotal time in my life and in my addictions. Later that same winter, I ended up in detox for the final time.
I did not have a sinlge thing going on for me back then. I’d find a couch to crash on for a few nights, was still using meth as much as I could get my hands on, and hustling enough drug deals to be able to get high and spend the night in a hotel up in the north end somewhere. It was a relentless and insidious time in my life.
The bright spot for me was Victor.
I am not really sure exactly how I met Victor- he just showed up. I was instantly smitten with him. So well built- smaller and compact with a smile that took my breath away. Dark hair and dark eyes. Man, I am not ever really sure that I have a type, but thinking about him now I realize he is my fucking type. It would be safe to say I loved him wholeheartedly at the time.
Not only that, Victor took me under his wing and I became his sidekick. I ended up finding a room to crash in during the worst of that winter with his help and spent most of my time hanging out with him. I lived for his presence, his hugs, and his voice. He made sure I had food and rides and let me use his little Mazda truck when he was working. He was a savior in that weird, fucked up way that only addicts truly understand.
So I put this song on repeat around here for a few days and have been singing along and laughing out loud, as well. In my mind, I find myself sitting in Victor’s passenger seat on a very crisp winter morning, smoking some kind bud that he had given me for Christmas. I cried when he did because it had been so long since anyone had given me a Christmas gift.
We were pretty stoned and just sitting there in the early morning sunlight, holding hands loosely.
This song “Unwritten” comes on the radio- and slowly, his foot starts tapping, and then mine does, too and then we’re both snapping and dancing and laughing in our seats- and in that dark period in my life, I found total joy.
With Victor.
We both knew it was special.
Then the song was over and the spell was broken
and we just sat there holding hands in silence
for a long time without saying a word.
I went to rehab and moved home to Detroit days after that and have never seen or talked with him again. But here I am, grateful to listen to this song now, all of these years later and to laugh and to cry and to know joy, again.
“Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten.”
June 3, 2020
MISTER WILLIAM REILLY 