Even after almost two decades sober, I crash into horrible waves of shame and remorse and they will suck all the life out of whatever peace and serenity I may be experiencing in those moments.
There are a few times in my life that I have never talked to anyone but my therapists about that really fucked my life up. Some of those times were during the last few years of my active addictions.
2003-2006 were the most tumultuous years of my entire life and in my mind, they’ve blended into one long, insane summer. The story spans this country and involves drugs and loss and more trauma than I ever realized. Although I’ve gone through extensive trauma therapy to curb the worst of the CPTSD, there are moments when memories explode across my consciousness like bullets mowing down young, innocent children in a grade school class room.
I was really feeling some huge feelings when I sat down to write this yesterday, and they have passed, mostly. However, I feel as if it’s important to keep this issue in the light so it doesn’t fester like a secret in my shadows and crevasses. It feels important that I acknowledge the darkness and the wounds in order to stay out of denial about Then me and Now me somehow being two different men.
” Black holes will bend the proudest ones
And change up your symmetry
Just as the night swallows the sun
I know you’ll come for me.”
Summer Solstice 2024
MISTER WILLIAM REILLY 