The year was 1985. My adoptive family and I had been in Kansas for less than a year at the time, and I had just transferred to Wichita East High School, after having attended one semester at Wichita North High School on the other side of town. I was a nerd for sure, into debate and forensics and well on my way to becoming a fullblown Drama Kid at that point. I was already turned on to a ton of the alternative music from that generation; especially obsessed with Depeche Mode, Siouxsie Sioux and The Smiths as well as other artists that MTV offered up on a consistent basis.
Part of me had known for a few years that I was gay. I had crushes on several of the guys I’d gone to junior high school with, and was always noticing the jocks and the handsome, well kept preppy guys at school who I knew I’d never be like. I also had already began to drink and smoke pot regualrly, so I felt a little conflicted in all of my interests, but boys made me happy – alcohol and drugs made me happier.
Shortly after moving to the east side, I stumbled upon a local book store that was a well known cruising spot for gay guys. I had no concept of “cruising” at the time but did get flirted with and stared at a lot while furuiously reading Anne Rice’s “Interview with the Vampire” and people watching from a corner. At one point I decided to flirt back in my closeted, fumbling ways and met the guy who became my very first boyfriend.
It was a very rapid and tumultuous transitional period in my life. Within a few weeks of meeting my new boyfriend, I came out to my family. My dad punched me and called me a faggot and my mother just told me to “be safe.”
I was getting turned onto all things gay by the minute it felt like, and spending every second I possibly could with him. I was lying to my parents about where I was spending my time and spent weekend nights with him. I lost my virginity, and got turned onto Kate Bush all during the same weekend. “The Hounds of Love” was playing nonstop at his house while I was there, and hearing that album for the first time was like a puzzle piece falling into place for me.
It all lined up- him, me finding my place in the world and her words like anthems, beacons of freedom and validation.
I have distinct memories of asking God to please let me have a different dad, one who didn’t use violence to communicate with me and blame all of his anger on my “faggot boyfriend.” God never did switch me places with anyone else, no matter how many times I sang the words, but it didn’t mean God didn’t have a plan for me.
I remember the joy I felt as I blasted “Waking the Witch” from behind my locked bedroom door and knowing it scared my family.
To be clear- I was a child, embracing aspects of a very adult world. I knew nothing about being queer then, only what I was being shown and taught in those moments. The music, the movies, the drugs, and also consentual sex. In no particular order.
And all the while, grasping at Kate’s words and stories like I fully understood the world and my place in it.
Of course, now, forty years later, I am still listening and thankfully understanding in ways I would have never suspected as that fresh faced high school kid. The album, tattooed across my life in a myriad of ways, and times, and associations. Through tears, through rage and grief and astonishment and most of all, belief.
Love, Always.
MISTER WILLIAM REILLY 